In a relationship? Pay attention to the signs!

Dear Sista,

In my first year at the university, I had my first boyfriend. Unlike how every girl would want it, he didn’t propose. We were very close friends, and well, we graduated into being girlfriend and boyfriend without anyone having to say anything. 

I knew I was in love with him, but I wasn’t a hundred percent sure from his side. Soon my doubts were roused. He was exhibiting certain signs I couldn’t help but wonder if he was really in love with me. First he didn’t want any of his friends to know I was his girlfriend. Heck he didn’t want anyone to know I was his girlfriend. 

In my presence, when his male friends asked him about our relationship, he would bluntly tell them I was just a friend. I was 17, and although very naïve, (as this was my first boyfriend, and the only guy I had ever loved), I knew something was not right. I did not understand why my own boyfriend will deny me publicly. When I asked him about it, he told me he ‘wanted to keep his personal life personal’, whatever that meant. 

Due to his frequent denial, one of his male friends, also in the same hostel with him, asked me to be his girlfriend. It was only then I told this guy, who also happened to be my programme mate that I was in a relationship with his friend. I cannot begin to tell you how shocked he was. 

But that was even the least of my problems. My ‘underground boyfriend’ could go a whole vacation and a whole Christmas season not calling me. There I was. 17 and madly in love. With a guy who by all indication didn’t give a hoot about me. 

Another male friend of mine, during the semester break, noticed I had issues and asked me about it. I confessed to him, and told him I had been trying to reach my boyfriend all through the holidays but to no avail. I had my boyfriend’s dad’s number (because he had called me on this line sometime), but out of decency and respect I never for once thought of calling his dad. 

My friend however took the number and called him. And guess who picked up? My boyfriend! My friend quickly hanged up, and told me to call the line immediately as my boyfriend had his father’s phone. I called back and it was his father who picked up.

He gave the phone to my boyfriend, and we spoke. I asked him what happened; why I couldn’t reach him, and why he never bothered to call me. His response? He had a problem with his phone. 

I asked him why he didn’t call at a call vendor. His reply was he was broke. I was shocked because it would have cost him only 20 pesewas to call me for a minute to explain the situation, and I knew he was from a good family. He could never get that broke.

I asked him again why he didn’t call with his father’s phone, mother’s phone, or sister’s phone. His answer was ‘he didn’t want to disturb them’. I wondered, so what was he doing earlier on with his father’s phone? Playing snake xenza?

Well I let it all go. Then one day, my boyfriend’s cousin told me look, if you know what’s good for you, end it with him. He doesn’t love you. I thought he was just bad-mouthing him, and I suspected him more because he had also shown interest in me. I didn’t pay heed.

School resumed again, and my boyfriend continued to play the denying game, and things got worse. He started ‘demanding’ for things from me. He wouldn’t do anything for me for free like he would escort me home from school, and then take taxi money from me back home. It wasn’t like I was a super-rich girl, but my dad made sure I was comfortable.

The mist in my eyes was finally clearing. I began to note the thousand and one reasons why my boyfriend didn’t love me. After all, he never really said the love word to me. I broke up with him for the 3^rd time. This time I meant it, and it was for all the right reasons.

I was now turning 18, heartbroken, and an emotional mess. My trust in men was gone. All I had, was an introvert self. It was books and nothing more! 

Five years on

My first boyfriend (ex) has been in touch since we graduated, as if trying to make amends. Sometimes he would send me messages at dawn that he has missed me. I feel his sincerity, but after what happened with him, I had become very intelligent. 

Today he messaged me, and proposed something I might like. He proudly said ‘My lady makes it’. The words hit me. I was impressed. He never for once described me like that, let alone with so much pride. I realized, I was not wrong in ending the relationship. He never loved me, and waiting for him to return my love would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

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