Why must this be the first sentence uttered by men when you get pregnant?

“A woman can endure all; every pain, every hurt, every bruise, but not one that she causes herself.”

 

I have decided to share this not because I want to tell my story, but because I want to heal even though that seems like too much to ask right now. I am not in the position to make demands. It is my only hope that someday, maybe, I will be able to forgive myself and move past this.

A woman never understands motherhood until she becomes one, or shall I rephrase; a woman never understands motherhood until she experiences what it takes and means to be a mother. It isn’t just about bringing a child into this world; it is about bringing yourself into this world. You are tied by the breath of life to the child you bring forth. 

The joys of a mother are that; like the cactus plant she has faced death and triumphed with life and for as long as she lives she will never experience anything as encouraging and comforting as her child’s first clutch of her thumb. It is not ordinary; and no person can understand what it means to be a mother until you become a mother, and becoming one was one of the things I dreaded most in life.

I had seen videos and heard people tell their ordeal of labor; how they screamed, how they were cut, how much of pain they felt. I had personally seen women in labor at hospitals; most with dried blood beneath their feet, trotting about with hands on their heads. I still hear their screams and can almost feel their pain, I shudder. So I’d always feared childbirth and associated it with much pain and even death. Maybe that in my subconscious was why I chose to die rather than live.

My name is not known and I don’t mean literally, but my name I think died along with him, my unborn child. I choose to think of it as a boy because I’d always thought of having a boy first; one that would look like his mother and will grow by my side. I’d always imagined him tall, and strong; a brave charm who will call me his older woman. But what I didn’t know was that he would peep in sooner, and I would choose his death over my life. 

That night I met him was like every other normal night and like every other normal day when you meet someone for the first time. We soon discovered we had a lot of things in common, and from there, spent a lot of time with each other.

So yeah—it happened. We fell in love, or should I say lust, whatever, but that isn’t the issue at stake here.  It was when I discovered I was pregnant, that my whole world came to a standstill. 

I’m the kind of woman who pays a lot of attention to my body, and so no slight changes escape me. For a couple of days, I had been feeling sick. I would wake up around 3-4am every day with morning sickness. Worst of it, I was still living with my parents, and my mom was rather inquisitive (yes, mothers are the same everywhere). So you can imagine how discreet I had to be with my health. I just couldn’t risk anyone knowing and confirming my suspicions.

I decided to let him know I was 4 days late on my period, and that was abnormal on my calendar. I was 24, but didn’t know anything about morning after pills or even how to use a condom. I only had him to trust with our one-time sex. 

To clear all doubts, we decided to take a home pregnancy test the next day. The anxiety was killing me; the doubts, crippling. I had never felt so lost in my life. I had to get away, from work, home, everyone, to sort myself out. 

He bought me two kits, and even as I pee’d on them, even as I knew within me what the results would be, I still fainted within when the home test tubes showed double lines. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t scream. I could only stare blankly, numb, as if that would change my fate.

Then I walked back slowly to the room where he was waiting for me, and with the heaviest tongue said to him ‘I’m fucking pregnant’. 

“You’re not going to keep it are you?” 

Those words shot me back to life, but in huge sobs.

That day he drove me to hospital where I was to have the abortion, I could feel no life in me. I was in a room full of women, and I can swear they saw the guilt on my face. They knew what I was there for. 

Mine was an early pregnancy—one month old, and I choose to go with the pills. I was to take the first pill immediately, and take the second 24 hours later. I didn’t feel any pain after the first pill until I took the second pill same time the next day. I started bleeding immediately. It was a pain perhaps 100x my normal menstrual cramp. 

I bled for 12 continuous days.

Even though my ‘deed’ had been successful, the psychological trauma I went through was enough for me to wish an end to my life. I couldn’t bear the thought of children. I couldn’t have that word mentioned around me. I couldn’t stand the sight of little kids. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t stand seeing any pregnant woman. It brought me so much pain and anger. But there was another hard blow I couldn’t get over.

“You’re not going to keep it are you?” 

Somebody. Anybody. Please help me. Make me understand why the fuck in God’s name must this be the first sentence uttered by a man, when you get pregnant for him.

About the Author:

The Author of this post wishes to remain anonymous, and Sista respects her decision.