Female Sexual Coercion: How Women really feel

I am 40 years old, I promise you! Well yes I have only literally lived for a quarter of a century but I swear, I am 40. Or more. I say this because some of the time, or a lot of the time I feel like I have seen too much for my age. More recently I have learned that our experiences lead us somewhere good when we let them. I have seen mine do just that and it makes me thankful, not to say to have experienced them was a good thing, but that it turned out alright after all. I wouldn’t wish that any woman goes through even a hair’s breadth of it. I seem not be clear about exactly what this is about right? I know, I actually have so much in my head right now I probably have to slow down and take them one after the other, and so I’d do just that. This is only part one. 
 

I am writing this about women, but I’d wish for everyone, irrespective of gender, to read because it is so important, I believe. It is the matter of coercion. From what it entails (its definition) to how we perceive it, respond to it, live with it, repaint it, and then forget it exists at all. I am concerned about this matter of coercion because per my experiences, and per what I have read because of my line of research, I believe it leads to risky ‘consensual’ sex. And I put consensual in inverted commas for a reason.

Heise et al, have defined sexual coercion as;

The act of forcing (or attempting to force) another individual through violence, threats, verbal insistence, deception, cultural expectations or economic circumstances to engage in sexual behavior against her/his will. As such, it includes a wide range of behaviors from violent forcible rape to more contested areas that require young women to marry and sexually service men not of their choosing. The touchstone of coercion is an individual woman’s lack of choice to pursue options without severe social and physical consequence. 

This addresses experiences that run from glaringly violent, to the subtler yet equally traumatic ones including sex in exchange for money, as well as unwanted touch and molestation.

I am going to focus on the subtler ones for this write up, mainly because I feel the need for us as women, to speak up about them, clear all the grey areas, and take control of our sex lives. This would also make it clear to gentlemen that aside rape which is hard to contest (although we find even that being contested, [someone hold me!], due to certain factors I will address in another article) there are subtler forms of coercion, indirect, yet leaving a woman in a seemingly consensual union or one-time act that scars her. 

I would also like to mention before I go on, that this is not to say that this is something that happens to women alone. Of course not. It does happen to males too, and I happen to be very interested in that dimension as well, but this is a site for women issues, so I’d address theirs, accordingly.

Let me ask this; how many of us have been in situations where we had to do something sexual or allow something even remotely sexual to be done to us because at the time it seemed like the only choice we had? 

In my second year as an undergrad, I was with a fourth year male friend from the same department. We had become friends because we had common interests and he was in a position to give informed advice on something I was about to embark on (I am being intentionally winding). One night, we attended a literary programme together, and I had to sign some papers concerning that thing I was about to embark on. Those papers were with him and apparently in his room (an inner room). So, unsuspecting as I was, I went along with him, into his room, sat down on his bed. He got the papers out, I signed them, and then he got chatty. I still thought it was harmless, so I chatted along. Until the conversation changed, to ‘I have always been attracted to you’ to ‘I am unable to keep my eyes off your legs’ to literally asking me for sex. (Deep breath) And you know, my mind is one that never forgets some things. 

It has been years, but oh, I very much still remember his exact words. I stood up, confused, unsure if it was really happening, and told him I was ready to leave. The door was locked. It was an inner room. His roommates were in the outer room. I was standing there. He said ‘okay, give me a hug’ and stood up too, hugged me and uhuh, I felt his erection press into my thigh and I wanted to die. And then he whispered in my ear ‘it won’t take long, just five minutes.’ 

I was thinking in so many directions, what do I do?! Why did I follow him here?! And then started accusing myself ‘this is all my fault! I should have known! How could I have been so blind and stupid!’ then it moved to, ‘Now what do I do?! If I cause a scene, my name will be on everyone’s lips by tomorrow morning, in every joke and even in songs!’ yes, I knew my university well.

So eventually, what all that thinking in 60 seconds produced was this; I had to pretend, that I was interested in the sex too, but that it was impromptu, and I really had somewhere to go. Man, I even grabbed the very thing that was making me feel sick! And then I let him kiss me, all the while inching backwards towards the door, and whispering (when he let my lips go long enough for me to talk) that I was going to come back ‘tomorrow night, I promise,’ before he let me go, opened the door, and saw me off to the porter’s lodge. And me, I cannot type out all the things that were going on in my head! I was non-resident at the time, so I walked all the way out to the main gate, got a car, all the way home, and all through, I couldn’t swallow my spit. My own spit! I couldn’t. When I tried, my throat rebelled, and so I had to keep spitting out. 

I will not tell you the kind of bath I gave myself when I got home or how I brushed my gums bloody! One could say I played smart. But did I? Really? Did I have to go through that? Have all the way down to my glottis kissed by someone I wasn’t even a little bit attracted to, or wanted to have anything sexual to do with, and having to touch his genitals (even though it was through his jersey shorts, *shudders again*) Did I have to go through that?!! *sigh* Do I have sisters who can relate? 

 

I do not know how else to put it across, that; 

NO! A WOMAN, COMING OVER TO VISIT YOU IN YOUR ROOM OR APARTMENT, DOES NOT MEAN SHE CAME FOR SEX. IF SHE CAME FOR SEX, SHE WILL SAY IT. IT WILL BE CLEAR. IF YOU MAKE THE MOVE BY ASKING, AND SHE SAYS NO, OH DEAR GOD, GENTLEMEN! SHE MEANS NO!!!  

Did you read that definition of sexual coercion well? She may, like I had to, let you have your way, either all the way, or partway, because she has little choice, she has to protect herself in a society where the victim is not respected and is even further victimized. So she gives in, and it is seemingly consensual, but she knows, and it is eating at her, that she had no choice, no choice, no choice!!

I am not sure now what advice to give as to what to do to avoid even being in such a situation because honestly, we hardly ever see it coming, do we? But this is what I did after I got home and got myself ‘clean’. 

I picked up my phone and sent a text, telling him exactly what had happened. That I had had to say what I said in order to get out of there. I expressed my disappointment and hurt, how insulted I felt. I mean…what did he take me for? What? I walk into your room and you jump in for five minutes, oh someone hold me again, because what?!!! I also added that I was going to forgive him, for my own sake, and continue to be civil with him. I did actually forgive him, genuinely, and yes, we are still friends. It never happened again. But it happened once anyway, and it happened because of wrong perceptions.

There have been too many instances, all of which did not end well. I have heard similar stories, from friends, strangers, this woman, that woman. It is alarming! A lot of the time too, women are not fully aware what exactly happened or is happening. That there were or are being coerced. They don’t realize that they are in a business where they have no choice, and that it is risky. 

In my case, this was someone I knew jack about in relation to his sexual past, if I had let him have his five minutes, he wouldn’t have used a condom; there was none in sight. If I had gone there for sex, I would have prepared myself. There are STIs, there is the possibility of a pregnancy. Even if I chose to have unprotected sex, it would have been my choice, with pros and cons weighed, and with me knowing it was a safe time, or that I trusted beyond doubt that there will be no transmission of infections. I mean, think of all the risks that being coerced exposes you to. 

Sisters, gentlemen, think of it! How different is it (if it is at all) from violent rape? Huh? Some women have had to deal with life-changing consequences as a result of sexual coercion. HIV, unwanted pregnancy, unsafe abortion with permanent damage, psychological trauma. Do I have to say it louder? That we must address this?

As I said, this is just part One, Scenario One, of this matter of sexual coercion. What I’ll end this part with is that we should think, both ladies and gentlemen, with our heads and not our genitals. Let our actions be informed by thorough thinking. If perpetrators think with what they should be thinking with, all the risks I mentioned above will be thought through, and really, they wouldn’t even get there if they stop to consider the clear fact that the other party is not on the same cloud with them at the time. If sexual initiation is a conscious, talked-over affair, this will be avoided. Make your intentions clear, do not assume the other party wants it too and is being coy. Let us rewrite these ‘standard assumptions’  

NO BODY WANTS IT UNTIL THEY SAY THEY DO. IT IS VERBAL. YES. NO. NOT NOW. LET’S DO THIS, NOT THAT. NEVER. NOT BODY LANGUAGE, PLEASE, SPOKEN WORDS! 

 ABOUT THE AUTHOR: 

Amma Konadu is a young poet, writer, blogger and literary enthusiast. She was an English Major in The University of Ghana and is currently doing her postgrad studies at the Regional Institute for Population Studies, University of Ghana. Her research interests are in Gender, Religion and Sexual Reproductive Health and Risk Issues. She blogs personally at ammakonadu.wordpress.com, is the editor-in-chief and runs a book review column at theampedhub.com and co-runs a Christian Women Blog at c2bghana.WordPress.com