It is also not an ‘old people’
thing. I am in my 20s. And I’ve lived with it since forever! I’ve become used to it
for so long I almost don’t know what it feels like not to be depressed.
I’ve been depressed as a
teenager. More than once the thought of suicide crossed my mind. The most vivid
one, I cut my arms multiple times and watched as the blood trickled down.
My mind is creepy most of the
time. My bouts of misery is frequent. I have more memories of sadness than
happiness. Waking up is hell. All I want to do most of the time is to sleep.
Reality sucks. It is full of pain. It is filled with hopelessness. It is
dejection. Loneliness. Complete
desperateness.
Where did this come from? When
did it start? How did I get here?
I was never a happy kid. I
vividly remember I’ve hated myself since I was 13. I hated how I looked. I
hated the reflection I saw in the mirror. I was an unhappy child, very
insecure, very timid, and very anxious.
My friends were blossoming. I
was shrinking, very fast and with the worst of tempers. I fought everyone. But
I couldn’t fight the hateful words. They stood on my heart like spikes on a
porcupine. They still haunt me, many years after.
I wanted to be loved. I wanted
to belong so bad that I broke my virginity at 19 years so I could fit in with
the crowd I had found in college. They were the ‘big girls’; always talking
about sex it made me feel so small and insignificant. Keeping myself was a
waste. I needed to belong. I needed to have something to say too.
I dated guys. Sometimes just to
prove to myself I was okay. That I could still get what I wanted. Then I grew
my fashion sense. I became a shopaholic. Clothes became my security. Clothes
made me beautiful. Clothes made me confident. I was happy with them. Clothes
never disappointed me. They were there, always, in soft silk, cotton, or
whatever the hell they were made of. I didn’t care as long as I looked good, I
would spend all my money on clothes.
I hate people. I keep a very
tight circle. I withdraw from everything, everyone. Nothing pleases me. People
are a nuisance. People are nosy. People are irritating. People are selfish.
People are obnoxious. People are unfaithful. People are pain!
I don’t know why I feel like
this. I don’t know why I am so unhappy. I don’t know why I cry so much. I don’t
know why I hate so much. I don’t know why nothing makes sense. I don’t know
why. This is not a good feeling, but I’m stuck to it. It’s like my second skin.
I wear it so well it’s become a part of me. I don’t know how I’d feel without
it.
They say it’s all in the head.
Is it imaginary if I can touch it? Feel its coldness? Is it imaginary if it
happens when I’m wide awake? Is it imaginary, this pain I feel so real?
I feel helpless. I feel tired.
I am hypersomnic. I am restless. Surely,
it cannot all be in my head. It cannot be a ‘white people’ thing. It cannot be
an ‘old people’ thing.
About the Author:
The Author of this post wishes to remain
anonymous, and Sista respects her decision.
Sorry you have to deal with these dark emotions and depression. I can't say I've ever been clinically depressed but I've had periods of depression and it's hard to get out from them.
ReplyDeleteFor me one of the things that helped when I went through dark times were friends.
I'm lucky to have awesome friends who were just there. They didn't ask questions or tell me to "get over it".
Oh yes. These are the times one needs care and attention from loved ones. It's great to know your friends were there to help you through the difficult times.
DeleteNo. it is not at all a "white people" thing neither is it all in the head. It is so real, so so real. There are too many people who need help, too much rot that has happened over years and years that break us, and most times we can't get back up without aid, without a loving ear, shoulder, heart.
ReplyDeleteSome of us found writing a helpful tool, but we still needed more help and with time when we stopped denying what was staring us in the face, we worked at becoming better, healthier.
It is sad that if it is not malaria, then you are not sick. You should be running a temp, we should see red, your pulse should be growing faint, before we see EMERGENCY, when too many, way too many people, should be in the ER right now.
Thanks for sharing, but most importantly, let's let it not end here. How can myself, and sista clinik help you more, please let them know, I am ever ready to offer as much as I can. I don't know you, but I feel you so deeply. Much love to you, darling.
Much much love.
Writing is indeed therapy. But there are still a lot of people who need help. It's about time we treated depression among the youth with the urgency it needs. We are grateful for you being there to support her and everyone else with this problem. Much love!
DeleteI know what you are feeling. I have experienced this also. It seems like we are peas from the same pod. Everything you spoke about happened to me except I was going to commit suicide in a less painful way. Growing up was very hard for me as a skinny child. My figure was not accepted in our community. I had to wear big clothes hoping I could hide my skinny body. This went on for years. I battled with insecurities until I grew older and accepted that every body size is beautiful. Now I walk with confidence.
ReplyDeleteHowever this came crushing down last year when I was nearly raped. Depression sunk in and the thoughts I had running in my mind each day was very dark. What kept me from suicide was the judgment I knew awaited me should I give in to this. Today however, I have treated this condition and moved past it.
People need to understand that depression is not for a specific group of people be it white or rich. It is also for the poor and black people. Even those with creative minds are prone to depression because in order to write a depressing poem or script, you have to put yourself in there. In order to play a depressing role in a movie, you have to be depressed. So seriously, we should move past this judgmental way of treating mental conditions.
And to the writer of this piece, hugs to you my dearest. So much love from me to you. What helped me get out of this state was a very good friend who got me to write out my pain each day. Writing does heal as well as sharing it like you have done, taking better care of yourself and seeking professional help. You do not have to live through this alone.
Sorry you had to go through this. We are happy you are okay now. Much love!
DeleteGood that you've shared your ordeal.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, the constant need to want to sleep and escape from all this...I hope you've been able to identify the cause(s) of the depression, it really helps.
Over a long time I've been able to identify some of the causes and it's helped me deal with them, even avoiding giving in to thoughts that lead to drowning in depression.
You are strong. You are a warrior. You'll overcome. Keep sharing and keep conquering.
Yes. We couldn't agree more. It is important we try to identify the roots of depression. Some can be traced as far as Adolescence or even childhood through 'common' issues of bullying leading to low confidence and self-esteem. There are many other reasons.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts.