Maybe it is the hopeless cries of heartbreak I have
had to endure over the past three days. This was my duty as the best friend; to
comfort and bring solace to my grieving friend for her ended relationship of
almost 3 years.
I had never seen my friend like that, and I was
there when she buried her father. My awkward self involuntarily went into shut
down mode, clueless on how to help steer her back to being the jovial friend I
enjoy.
Was it the messy room, the unwashed dishes or the
unmade bed I slept on all day? Where do I need the water to reach this time?
Her boyfriend finally called and I am hopeful this
means they will be better again. We took our best selfies ever as besties
today. And last night when we took a walk, I told her all about the writing
baby steps I'd taken these past few months.
She is still the only person in my life who I am
able to talk to this way; the only person who knows my brokenness and still
understands these necessary moments of purging out my testimony and all the
lessons learned.
An hour goes by, I am still dripping wet from head
to toe. What am I cleansing? I am aware I am wasting water, but something in me
needs this.
I finally step out, I wipe the steam off the
mirror. I ask the reflection "Why did you
need that?"
The memory is only two days old, and suddenly sneaks
up on me while I am drying myself.
"You
never finish anything you start". My friend's voice, her words.
I am still looking at the mirror, but I no longer
see the reflection because my mind has gone to a conversation I am now
remembering clearly between my friend and me.
This is her response to the exciting news I tell
her that “I am waiting on a proposal for
a book I have been approached to write”; in the same breath, I add the part
about my most favorite author, asking me to write a foreword for his second
novel and how he later sent me the manuscript to edit and proofread.
I am unintentionally watching her closely, I can't
help myself. I am a writer, I am a creator. Words mean more to me than they
should and I just used them to tell my best friend in the whole wide world the
biggest news of my life. She does not even look up at me; satisfied that her
reminder is sufficient for this moment.
Immediately I am frustrated by this accusation, it
feels unfair and at first I refuse to take ownership of it. She falls quiet and
so do I. She is absentmindedly back to pressing her phone. She has spoken out
her truth without even blinking an eye and sadly she doesn't seem to discern
how much it has burdened my soul..
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On really great days, all Sinawo Bukani wants to do is read good books, travel Africa and scribble her heart out.
These past few months I have learned to be constantly conscious of the fact that people deal with their struggles in varying ways, and acknowledging that there actually are people who just want to hurt you, there are also people who didn't mean to hurt you.Understanding this, I then, again consciously, decided on a 'loving-myself'way of dealing with jabs thrown at me, especially from loved ones. There is one member of my family I know can accidently say something hurtful when she is very worried. My closest friend can get a little rude when he is very anxious, etc... For my own sake, I forgive such moments and pray whatever is calling on that attitude gets taken care of. Also, for the person's sake, I tell them...on a good day, what happens when they say A or B, but add that I do not believe they intentionally want to hurt me, so whatever it is, if I could help them deal, I would. As for those who come in deliberately to help...ha, build a tough skin, love them irrespctive. I have learned too just recently, how powerful a weapon, love is.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Sinawo
"I have learned too just recently, how powerful a weapon, love is." Very much a sum of everything Amma. You have said it all.
DeleteThank you Amma 💝 I love your comment, very true. I think it just hurts more because it is your closest person.
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ReplyDeleteI have a friend who's super sensitive. Sometimes, I speak my own truth with my "bluntness", as my speech as so frequently been described, and he goes quiet. A lot of the time, I don't know how to fix it, except with an apology and a hug. I know there are people who are more hurt by words than the average person. But my comment is more for those who speak: it is very, very helpful to be in tune to other people's emotions, and to be able to read them. When you're good at reading the countenance of the people closest to you, you'll know when you've made a bad move, when you should promptly shut up, and when you should apologize. Perhaps tuning into others is something we, as conversationalists, must pay more attention to, constantly. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you 💝
DeleteThank you for sharing Sinawo :)
ReplyDeleteI relate to this post and I have found myself on both ends several times. Of being that friend that says something hurtful to a loved one and to being the one on the receiving end. I agree with Ivana its important that we are aware and alert to our close people's change in mood, feelings and emotions. I almost always know when I have said something hurtful even through IMs, when its my person I can read how they feel through the text and choice of words.
On the other end, I have tried to be more open and honest to say that am hurt when hurt. It's never the easiest thing, my only issue is I take longer to process hurt feelings and emotions so when I get around to finally want to talk about it its usually days after when the person has forgotten which tends to be a bit awkward but thankful to friends that understand and still hear me out and willing to work things through.
Thank you for sharing your story :)
And surely thanks for reading @Umba
DeleteThank you Umba 😊 You've given me quite a whole lot to consider and how to better communicate my hurt.
Deletemost times i would ignore things people say to me no matter how mean. It gets harder to ignore the closer the person is to me.
ReplyDeleteI had to endure some really mean things recently that changed my outlook towards life. I've built some high emotional walls. I don't know if that's a good thing in itself but it's a good defense mechanism so i'm keeping my walls
Mmm, keeping the walls up to protect one's self is quite understandable and expected. But for how long can the walls continue to stay up? Aren't you worried that someday when it comes tumbling down it would be too much? Too disastrous? Like a huge eruption?
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