I should have been around 7 years, perhaps 8 or 9, I don’t really remember. But I recall the incidents like it happened yesterday. My first encounter with everything close to sex was with family. He was about 3 years older than I was. So if I was 7, he was 10. On our usual hide and seek plays with my other cousins, he would make sure he hid somewhere where only I could find him, and when I did, he would do things to me.
I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on,
and I don’t remember caring about it either so it continued, until my family
moved to a different location. Occasionally he and my other cousins will come
to visit us.
One afternoon, as we played the usual hide and seek game, when the
other kids had gone in hiding, my mother found us in the kids’ room. He had his
back on the bed, and I was sitting on him. I was laughing hysterically. My
mother immediately pulled me up. I could sense the fear in her eyes. She told
me she was going to tell my father about it. I was afraid. I was scared. I had
no idea why I should be, but I was.
That night, my dad beat the child’s smile
out of me. He kept saying “You are my
child, I will beat you anyhow I want. As for him, he isn’t mine so I won’t
touch him.” I was never to be the same again.
I grew up hating my cousin for reasons I
didn’t know. I would feel anger whenever I saw him. I would feel the fear; I
would feel pain even though I didn’t exactly know why. I would have flashbacks
in bits, but none as vivid as when he touched me and I said “I will get pregnant”.
I still have no
idea how those words escaped from my lips at such a tender age, when I was to
have my period many years later. I still do not understand why my father chose
to beat the hell out of me when he could have educated me or both.
I never had the sex talk with any of my parents.
Nobody gave it to me, and I’m sure they cringed at the very thought of it.
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The writer of this post wishes to remain anonymous, and Sista respects her decision.
Now this is another issue on my heart. What is even more alarming here is the fact that both were kids, the boy initiated it all, and the parents handled things as they did. First, i have been thinking how the young boy's development was, who he grew up to become.
ReplyDeleteIt is a crucial thing - 'the sex talk'. When to have it, how to have it... and then again the moment when (and God forbids it happens to any parent) a child confides in a parent and they do not handle it with love, trusting their children, giving them the help they need to unlearn what has been forced onto their minds and into their subconscious at a comfortable pace, unique to every individual.
This boy could have been a victim too and was acting out what he had been forced to learn and learn wrongly. There are cases of grown women molesting boys, touching them inappropriately and coercing them into pleasuring them. These boys are left thinking that if they like a girl, that is how they can make her happy, by pleasuring her. Why? Because this older woman is only 'pleased with him' when he pleasures her and is 'upset with him' when he does not. Also, he learns that such things must be done in secret. you don't tell mom and dad you and auntie or you and the girl you like are really close friends.
This exposes to us the abuse chain that I will someday look extensively and intensively at. This is an abused child or mis-taught child going on to abuse another child. Mostly, an abused child grows into an abuser him/herself. That is why it is so important to make sure abuse doesn't happen in the first place it is a viscious continuum!
Now the other part of this is the handling of the topic of sex from parents to children. There are stages to this, I believe. But as early as when the child can recognize his or her own genitals, get them to trust you enough to let you know if anybody touches them there, because no body is supposed to touch them there! As they grow older, nearing adolescence, going out there on their own alone, with friends, etc, let them know what sex is, and let them know it is best to be responsible, teach them to be responsible, all the while building stronger bond and trust - the environment that allows them to bring all their questions.
When a child comes to you with such a case, the solution is not to beat them. My first reaction will be to wrap them in a hug. I know this too well, how devastating it can be to not get the expected support, to regret opening up at all.
For healthy adults, children need to be protected from such damaging experiences.
You couldn't have said it any better Amma. Two issues are at stake here, the 'abuse' and the 'sex talk'. As we can read, the girl although didn't actually know what was happening, she wasn't exactly green either. She made mention of getting pregnant. How would a 7 or 8 or 9 year old be thinking of pregnancy when she hadn't even seen her first blood? Either she had heard adults talk about it or had seen fractions of such stuff.
DeleteWhat was it that kept them still doing what they were doing as kids. Like you said, for all we know, the boy was just repeating what had been done to him perhaps by an older person, and maybe the girl was 'okay' with it because well, she was enjoying it.
Now here comes the thing about the sex talk. We agree with you totally that as soon as parents notice their children have become body conscious, they have to give 'the talk'. And even before that, parents must try to get closer to their kids to make it easier for them to mention any of these things they may have gone through even as a passing comment.
The parents reaction wasn't to be applauded. The better approach would have been to use the opportunity to sit both kids down for some education. But allowing the boy to quote on quote go free without any education? Who knows he might just end up getting into it with another girl, and the cycle continues.
And for the girl, she probably has had to live with all these questions tormenting her and the hate towards the cousin because she probably felt he was the cause of the pain her dad inflicted on her.
Never understood why parents choose to discipline a 'bad child' instead of using that period to teach the child about sex, dangers etc.
ReplyDeleteBeating, as in the post, leaves the child confused. It doesn't help the child"s growth and understanding. Early sex education is important
Swaye, in our part of the world, when it comes to the story of the birds and the bees, it is treated as something dirty and forbidden. I still do not know why this is so but it somehow is. Children are curious and parents have to be ready to explain things to them and not make them timid because beating a child for an innocent experimentation will make the child timid and scared of exploring. This will limit the child's creativity. Most people live in fear and are easily conformed due to these situations we treat as "trivial". I seriously wish parents will be enrolled in a school to teach them how to raise their children and how to handle the sex talk. Thanks for passing by and we hope to see you here often.
DeleteRegards,
Sista