Skip to main content

Pregnancy Paranoia: I Have Developed Obsessive and Irrational Fear of Getting Pregnant After Having an Abortion Two Years Ago



Photo: eretzsongs.blogspot.com

It has been about two years since I had an abortion. But I still relive the pain and fears like it happened just yesterday. I still remember how my mind blacked out, the numbness of my fingers, the dryness of my throat, the fears and anxieties of ‘how the hell did I get pregnant?!’

I am obsessed with NOT ‘accidentally’ getting pregnant again, so much that I think I have started abusing drugs especially ECPs (Emergency Contraceptive Pills); even though I know these are only to be taken in cases of emergencies and not actually to be used as normal birth control pills. 

 I think what fuels my paranoia is that my partner, two years ago, swore he used a condom and until now, we’re still not certain how the pregnancy happened. 

My own research and reading explained the fact that maybe the condom could have broken. And so up until now, I don’t feel safe, at all, when my partner uses a condom.

I still need some kind of assurance or prove that I won’t get pregnant, and to get that, I not only double check the condom after sex to see if there is a tear (which can be very ridiculous), but I also need to put my mind at rest by popping ECPs, sometimes without his knowledge, because he will tell me it’s unnecessary. 

I have gone as far as taking ECPs thrice in a month, and it really disturbs my cycle. Even WHEN THERE’S NO POSSIBLE WAY I can be pregnant (I keep a period calendar; all the safe and unsafe days thingy) I STILL NEED TO BE 200% sure.

Buying home pregnancy test kits have also kind of become a ‘thing’ for me. I have had to change pharmacies a couple of times to save myself the embarrassment of always having to buy ECPs and pregnancy test kits.

Unfortunately without them, I fear the worst will happen. That I will get pregnant, again, and relive all of the pain I’m trying to physically and psychologically run away from.

For now, it’s like not being pregnant and seeing my period at the end of every month is an achievement. I feel accomplished.  
I think I’m spiraling out of control.

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous and Sista respects their decision


Labels:

Comments

  1. Anonymous16 September 2016 at 10:03

    I know the feeling.i had an abortion 3 years ago. It's hard especially since everyone who knows would not understand that you were trying to be careful when it happened.ive been on birth control since and I still get paranoid. I wish I had been able to deal with well so I could give some awesome advice. What I can say is take a day at a time...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sista Clinik30 September 2016 at 03:33

      Thank you for sharing your story. We're sure it will help someone out there feel less alone knowing there are others like her who are going through the same problem.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Say something about this post

Popular posts from this blog

Women, Marriage, Child Birth and The Blackmailing Older Generation in Ghana

S ome years back, in my late teens, I always told myself I’d get married before I was 23. The thought of being able to enjoy life with my companion in holy matrimony without being pressed (physically, psychologically, or biologically) for children was ideal. I wanted to travel the world. Know people. See places. For my partner and I to get our act together before creating and bringing life into this world.   Maybe the motivation came from knowing my parents discovered each other and started life together quite early. My mother had me when she was barely 21. Three kids down the line, my dad is now in his late 40s, with my mom, a little behind. Definitely, the ‘young old couple’ thingy is attractive. But. I’m currently in my mid-20s. And unmarried. So many things replaced the desire for me to tie the knot before 23. I realized, somehow, that there was no rush. My priorities had shifted. There was education, a lot of growing up to do, and basically life! And there was also ...
12 comments
Read more

Rape Is Not Just Sex. It Is a Crime of Power and You Don’t Tell Victims To ‘Just Get Over It.’

Photo Credit: Vox.com What most people do not understand is that rape is not something you just ‘get over’. No, it does not work that way. When the choice of consent is snatched from beneath you, it is a violation of not just your body but your mind too. Rape, is like a robbery in which something is taken forcefully from you with every unconsented thrust. Yet unlike robbery where items taken can be replaced, rape takes away parts of you that can never be replaced, only learned to live with. When a person is raped, it isn’t just the body that has been invaded but also the mind. And this unwarranted invasion can lead to a thrashing of a person’s mental health. Walls get broken and victims without the right help and counselling may never get around to becoming who they used to be. Their present comes to a standstill and the future turns to gloom. Some dire psychological effects of this violation may even be that victims may be broken to such abysmal levels that they acce...
4 comments
Read more

Why are we raising women with the ultimate goal of being wifed?

I chanced on a WhatsApp status where a young woman was giving herself accolades and it somehow ended in her expressing joy and pride at being ‘someone’s future wife’. I use ‘joy’ here, for lack of a better word. However, it was more along the lines of her seeing being a wife as the ultimate prize for her womanhood.   Now, this is not an isolated case; it would be much easier if it were. Then it could be related to personal aspirations and goals. Of course, each one of us is different and we have different hopes and wants and desires. However, this happens way too many times to be attributed to personal wishes alone. I have seen a lot of women express this need to achieve the ultimate; to get to the climax of womanhood. Unfortunately, this climax of womanhood, to many, is being a wife. It is never anything else.    This begs the question; why? Of all the things a woman can aspire to be, why is it always ‘a wife’?  Again, to be clear, it is not wrong for one to as...
Post a Comment
Read more