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Pregnancy Paranoia: I Have Developed Obsessive and Irrational Fear of Getting Pregnant After Having an Abortion Two Years Ago



Photo: eretzsongs.blogspot.com

It has been about two years since I had an abortion. But I still relive the pain and fears like it happened just yesterday. I still remember how my mind blacked out, the numbness of my fingers, the dryness of my throat, the fears and anxieties of ‘how the hell did I get pregnant?!’

I am obsessed with NOT ‘accidentally’ getting pregnant again, so much that I think I have started abusing drugs especially ECPs (Emergency Contraceptive Pills); even though I know these are only to be taken in cases of emergencies and not actually to be used as normal birth control pills. 

 I think what fuels my paranoia is that my partner, two years ago, swore he used a condom and until now, we’re still not certain how the pregnancy happened. 

My own research and reading explained the fact that maybe the condom could have broken. And so up until now, I don’t feel safe, at all, when my partner uses a condom.

I still need some kind of assurance or prove that I won’t get pregnant, and to get that, I not only double check the condom after sex to see if there is a tear (which can be very ridiculous), but I also need to put my mind at rest by popping ECPs, sometimes without his knowledge, because he will tell me it’s unnecessary. 

I have gone as far as taking ECPs thrice in a month, and it really disturbs my cycle. Even WHEN THERE’S NO POSSIBLE WAY I can be pregnant (I keep a period calendar; all the safe and unsafe days thingy) I STILL NEED TO BE 200% sure.

Buying home pregnancy test kits have also kind of become a ‘thing’ for me. I have had to change pharmacies a couple of times to save myself the embarrassment of always having to buy ECPs and pregnancy test kits.

Unfortunately without them, I fear the worst will happen. That I will get pregnant, again, and relive all of the pain I’m trying to physically and psychologically run away from.

For now, it’s like not being pregnant and seeing my period at the end of every month is an achievement. I feel accomplished.  
I think I’m spiraling out of control.

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous and Sista respects their decision


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Comments

  1. Anonymous16 September 2016 at 10:03

    I know the feeling.i had an abortion 3 years ago. It's hard especially since everyone who knows would not understand that you were trying to be careful when it happened.ive been on birth control since and I still get paranoid. I wish I had been able to deal with well so I could give some awesome advice. What I can say is take a day at a time...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sista Clinik30 September 2016 at 03:33

      Thank you for sharing your story. We're sure it will help someone out there feel less alone knowing there are others like her who are going through the same problem.

      Delete

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