Skip to main content

Pregnancy Paranoia: I Have Developed Obsessive and Irrational Fear of Getting Pregnant After Having an Abortion Two Years Ago



Photo: eretzsongs.blogspot.com

It has been about two years since I had an abortion. But I still relive the pain and fears like it happened just yesterday. I still remember how my mind blacked out, the numbness of my fingers, the dryness of my throat, the fears and anxieties of ‘how the hell did I get pregnant?!’

I am obsessed with NOT ‘accidentally’ getting pregnant again, so much that I think I have started abusing drugs especially ECPs (Emergency Contraceptive Pills); even though I know these are only to be taken in cases of emergencies and not actually to be used as normal birth control pills. 

 I think what fuels my paranoia is that my partner, two years ago, swore he used a condom and until now, we’re still not certain how the pregnancy happened. 

My own research and reading explained the fact that maybe the condom could have broken. And so up until now, I don’t feel safe, at all, when my partner uses a condom.

I still need some kind of assurance or prove that I won’t get pregnant, and to get that, I not only double check the condom after sex to see if there is a tear (which can be very ridiculous), but I also need to put my mind at rest by popping ECPs, sometimes without his knowledge, because he will tell me it’s unnecessary. 

I have gone as far as taking ECPs thrice in a month, and it really disturbs my cycle. Even WHEN THERE’S NO POSSIBLE WAY I can be pregnant (I keep a period calendar; all the safe and unsafe days thingy) I STILL NEED TO BE 200% sure.

Buying home pregnancy test kits have also kind of become a ‘thing’ for me. I have had to change pharmacies a couple of times to save myself the embarrassment of always having to buy ECPs and pregnancy test kits.

Unfortunately without them, I fear the worst will happen. That I will get pregnant, again, and relive all of the pain I’m trying to physically and psychologically run away from.

For now, it’s like not being pregnant and seeing my period at the end of every month is an achievement. I feel accomplished.  
I think I’m spiraling out of control.

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous and Sista respects their decision


Labels:

Comments

  1. Anonymous16 September 2016 at 10:03

    I know the feeling.i had an abortion 3 years ago. It's hard especially since everyone who knows would not understand that you were trying to be careful when it happened.ive been on birth control since and I still get paranoid. I wish I had been able to deal with well so I could give some awesome advice. What I can say is take a day at a time...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sista Clinik30 September 2016 at 03:33

      Thank you for sharing your story. We're sure it will help someone out there feel less alone knowing there are others like her who are going through the same problem.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Say something about this post

Popular posts from this blog

Women, Marriage, Child Birth and The Blackmailing Older Generation in Ghana

S ome years back, in my late teens, I always told myself I’d get married before I was 23. The thought of being able to enjoy life with my companion in holy matrimony without being pressed (physically, psychologically, or biologically) for children was ideal. I wanted to travel the world. Know people. See places. For my partner and I to get our act together before creating and bringing life into this world.   Maybe the motivation came from knowing my parents discovered each other and started life together quite early. My mother had me when she was barely 21. Three kids down the line, my dad is now in his late 40s, with my mom, a little behind. Definitely, the ‘young old couple’ thingy is attractive. But. I’m currently in my mid-20s. And unmarried. So many things replaced the desire for me to tie the knot before 23. I realized, somehow, that there was no rush. My priorities had shifted. There was education, a lot of growing up to do, and basically life! And there was also ...
12 comments
Read more

Why must this be the first sentence uttered by men when you get pregnant?

“A woman can endure all; every pain, every hurt, every bruise, but not one that she causes herself.”   I have decided to share this not because I want to tell my story, but because I want to heal even though that seems like too much to ask right now. I am not in the position to make demands. It is my only hope that someday, maybe, I will be able to forgive myself and move past this. A woman never understands motherhood until she becomes one , or shall I rephrase; a woman never understands motherhood until she experiences what it takes and means to be a mother. It isn’t just about bringing a child into this world; it is about bringing yourself into this world. You are tied by the breath of life to the child you bring forth.  The joys of a mother are that; like the cactus plant she has faced death and triumphed with life and for as long as she lives she will never experience anything as encouraging and comforting as her child’s first clutch of her thumb. It...
12 comments
Read more

When The Past Comes Looking For Me: Part 1

I walk into the shower of the hotel with Adele's new album playing in the background. The water is comforting, but why am I here when I'd just stood under another shower nozzle at my friend's house 3 hours ago? What is it that needs to be scrubbed off this time around? What dirt could I have possibly accumulated in such a short space of time?   Maybe it is the hopeless cries of heartbreak I have had to endure over the past three days. This was my duty as the best friend; to comfort and bring solace to my grieving friend for her ended relationship of almost 3 years. I had never seen my friend like that, and I was there when she buried her father. My awkward self involuntarily went into shut down mode, clueless on how to help steer her back to being the jovial friend I enjoy. Was it the messy room, the unwashed dishes or the unmade bed I slept on all day? Where do I need the water to reach this time? Her boyfriend finally called and I am hopeful th...
11 comments
Read more