Depression, what people are saying: Panos

Depression to me is a synonym of suicide. At least this is what I have learnt these couple of months. I am not new to depression, but I always had a way of pushing it aside by partying with friends, travelling etc.

Being ‘on the go’ prevented me from addressing the issue of my depression. However for a couple of months now, I have been dealing with some tough problems that have left me in a state of depression on a daily basis.

I lost my job. My wife has stroke. My aged mother is very sick. We have very little money. There is mortgage to pay and I live in a foreign land. With all these happening to me at the same time, all I can think about is suicide although I never seem to muster courage to.

Whenever these thoughts fill my mind, I drink and smoke myself to stupor. This way I will be too wasted to actually harm myself other than my liver and lungs. Although this does not solve my problems, it makes me forget, even for a short while. 

There are days I would drink so much and hope that God may somehow have mercy on me by ending it all for me. Days when I don’t drown in alcohol, smoking and self-pity, I write dark poems hoping to somehow minimize the pain I feel.

There are times
death is more desirable than life
For one and only reason
Purgatory, it is
To save the tired and exhausted soul
to wipe out the stains
of errors and omissions.
of love and hate,
of Joy and pain.
that there was no time, or even bravery
to clean and deal with while alive

Oh where are you Death
To free me from this dreadful misery
Come quickly
Waiting for you
Don't be late

So depression to me is about running away from the situation in front of you by being intoxicated or succumbing to comfort of death.

Panos, somewhere in Africa