How well do you know your partner?

“Many do not put women first because society (including women) has trained them not to regard women. It is always about them (MEN). The needs of such men come first all the time. Which is why I said women and men alike should get into the heads of people they meet rather than focusing on similarities, interests, "love", infatuation etc.

Some of my friends have done the things you spoke of in the article, no denying that. It comes down to the fabric of society.”

The above quote was drawn from Kwabena Ahenkorah’s comment on a post here titled ‘Why must this be the first sentence uttered by men when you get pregnant?

This comment took my mind back to a novel I read in my teenage years when a man told his woman before they got married that he didn’t want to have children. She did not take him seriously, or if she did, she believed time would erase the fear, dislike or whatever it was that triggered such stand.

I mean let’s face it, who will hold a baby, knowing clearly the child is a part of him and reject it? Of course, he probably was just messing with her.

So they were a happy couple until she got pregnant. She immediately confirmed her suspicions of pregnancy to him, but was met so indifferently, and told to have an abortion. She was appalled. How could her own husband, ask her to abort their baby?

The relationship got stale, and when he asked her to choose between him and the child, she chose the baby. That was the end of their marriage.

She even gave him the chance to hold the baby the minute it was born to see if that would change his hard set mind, but it did not. You can read the book titled ‘Heartbeat’ by bestselling author Danielle Steel.

The book and Ahenkorah’s comment got me thinking about relationships, and our understanding of it; how much attention we pay to what our partners say, what interests them and what doesn’t, their likes and dislikes. Or are we only interested in the idea of dating so much so that we do not raise questions?

Do we only focus on the outings, the being-with-someone part that we fail to notice the handwritings on the wall?

How well do we know our partners? Do you really know the person to whom we’ve entrusted our heart? Their past? Their plans?

The purpose of dating primarily, is getting to know more about this person you’re interested in; their interests, their comforts and their insecurities.  

Relationships are not only grown on love, but mutual understanding and agreement.

It isn’t only about expensive dinners, making out, and walking hand in hand in the park. It isn’t only about knowing your partners family, his friends and his work. 

It is about knowing them, truly, and deciding if you want the full ‘garbage’ or if you’d rather bounce. But you cannot know what the ‘garbage’ is until you make a conscious effort to listen, ask questions and dig where we have to.

If we understand this, then we can save ourselves a lot of the heartache, abuse, maltreatment and psychological trauma in marriages. The rule of ‘what you see is what you get’ to some extent applies in marriages, if dating is done right. 

Of course, there are exceptions where people change after a couple of years in marriage. But that is why it isn’t all rosy.  Do your part. If you’re planning on settling with anyone, you need to listen. You need to ask questions. You need to dig.

Don’t rely solely on your positive feeling; the I’ve-got-a-feeling sort of feeling to determine if your partner is the one. For a relationship to work, you need more than a feeling. You need to be objective.