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When The Past Comes Looking For Me: Part 2



The truth is, this brokenhearted 23 year old woman knows me well. She's seen me survive the most crippling depression that claimed most of my young life. She is quite familiar with my social awkwardness too. The inconsistency. The starts with no finishes. The deserted hopes. The self-dug graves. The rock bottoms. The dismal fails. The discovered and lost dreams. The words siting unfinished in my drafts folder. She knows me. She is after all the best friend. The accusation stings only because I know she is right, that is who she knows.
 
I can't go back or erase the memories. I sit quietly, but bothered by a simple sentence 'You know you never finish anything you start.'

A statement that seems to ask 'Why am I kidding myself? What would possess me to think I can commit myself to such overwhelming responsibilities that are obviously above my capabilities?' 'She is right, she knows me.' I remind myself quietly.

Maybe she has forgotten, but I am in this town she lives in, to graduate; but because she needed me, I came a few days early. 

I want to shake her hard and remind her of my truth too, I am graduating tomorrow, remember that my dear friend? And next week, another graduation! Two leadership programmes started and finished in one year. She knows all of this, she knows about all the submissions too, all published building a steady online profile for me. I have sent her each link.

It is my past. It is stalking me. It has tracked me down and found me at the right address, now it taunts me through the lips of the one I love most. 'She knows me. She has every right,' I reason with my resentment. 

'I am Capable and I am Deserving' the phrase that kick started the courage to rebuild everything that had once been broken. I carry darkness and light with me every day; they both have found a home in me. 

Two days ago, I was confronted by a simple sentence that knows who I can be, especially when I succumb to not living my best life. It is a haunting past that makes me feel too old for my age on some days, and I am still teaching myself to say it out loud without shame.
It is where I have been to know I want to be here today. I still cannot look back without trembling and shedding a tear, but I know each baby step going forward takes me exactly where I need to be. 

The past year has seen me transform from being the applauder to being applauded. I celebrated myself and I have been celebrated. 

This is my new truth! The woman I am becoming, the undoing, the seeking, the consistency, the passion, the opportunities, the starts with satisfactory finishes, the self-care, the positive self-talk, the heart desires, the growth, the help-mates, the community, and the deliberate pursuing. 

This is the truth I choose to believe.

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On really great days, all Sinawo Bukani wants to do is read good books, travel Africa and scribble her heart out.


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Comments

  1. Naana11 December 2015 at 06:08

    You know what Sinawo, I have been there before. Second guessing my plans etc. because some good friends said something which had me doubting my capabilities. But at the long run, I tell myself that other than God, I am in charge of my destiny so I will do whatever I want to do. I am so glad you took those giant baby steps - "You are Capable and you are Deserving". You believe it, I believe it. Now go and show the world what you got.

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    Replies
    1. Unknown11 December 2015 at 09:19

      Thank you. Thing is sometimes I have to understand that even my aspirations are not familiar, they do not follow suite with the norm. Then I have to also acknowledge that I have come a long way to be where I am, to be who I am. My past knows me even though the future is yearning for me. Then there are voices which are so used to having a louder say in my story and now I have to learn to find my own and let it drown out all the others. It became easier in 2015, much lovelier a journey, more confidence, more self-talk. In order to grow, I have to acknowledge where I come from and to know others know too. But the baby steps forward are for me even when no one else has seen me done it before. Even when no one believes I can.

      Delete
    2. Naana15 December 2015 at 06:00

      That is the spirit! Be empowered!

      Delete
  2. Naana11 December 2015 at 06:09

    you go girl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown11 December 2015 at 09:22

      Thank You Naana, We are stronger than we think. We are stronger than all our yesterday's. We must be brave even when we are afraid of the dark. We must fully pursue. Dream bigger. Take those steps by faith and God will surely see us through, He is able. I have seen him do it with me, He has given me a new song. To more baby steps <3

      Delete
    2. Naana15 December 2015 at 06:01

      To Giant baby steps <3

      Delete
  3. Unknown11 December 2015 at 09:30

    When you have always been the applauder and never the applauded for all your years, it can make people uncomfortable because they will struggle to find their place in your life, they have to almost re-introduce you into their lives again, now you have your own abundant life, no longer a cripple that needs validation but you LIVE fully and beautifully. People need to adjust or you will find that they will lose their place in your life if they thrived in you always being at the bottom. Take pride in who you are becoming.Do not let your past determine your future. Speak life and light will come.

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  4. Naana15 December 2015 at 06:02

    As I always say, "one mishap should not determine the rest of your life. It should be a guiding tool to get you to your destination"

    ReplyDelete

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